Lame

Here are some things that I think are totally lame...to say, to do, to be...whatever...

Anyone who still uses the term "..like a rockstar" in reference to partying, drinking, finding a good parking spot..etc. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here, and say chances are you're probably not a huge douchebag...but using this term makes you sound way less cool. Why not just say, "Man, I snorted so much blow tonight!" or "Yea, we got bottle service!" or "Wow! I found a spot right in front of the club!" It would be way more effective in portraying this rockstar lifestyle you lead, but at the same time, you wouldn't be sounding like such an arrogant dork. And if you don't mind sounding like an arrogant dork, then you could always just say, "Hi, I'm from New Jersey."

People who take promoting peace to the point of obnoxious annoyance. The idea of world peace is great, in theory. And come on, do you know anyone who says, "Ya know, I'd really rather live in a world of death and destruction where there's swords everywhere and bombs going off all around me"? No, I guarantee you don't know anyone who says that. Everyone thinks it'd be fabulous if the earth was a serene and peaceful place, but it's just not a reality, so get over it and stop preaching hippie bullshit that can't be applied to the real world. I get excited about things too, kids. Let's start a revolution! But like I said, let's preach something that's actually applicable to today's world.

Toilets with a weak flush, totally lame.

Women who consistently make comments about how damn good they look. And even when it's in jest. Any woman with half an ounce of confidence does not feel the need to point out how hot she is all the time. So if anything, doing so actually defeats the point you're trying to make (that you're a secure and independent woman, Beyonce). I know a girl who's constantly telling stories about "how funny it was" when so and so hit on her, or "oh jeez, some dude tried to pick me up at the grocery store today, listen to what he said!.." And sometimes it IS funny, but other times it's just exhausting to listen to. Even the ugliest chicks ever have a humorous tale or two about some loser's pick up lines, and some of us could write a whole book on the topic, I'm sure. But letting everyone know how many times a day some asshole makes it known that he wants your ass shouldn't be a daily ritual. We all know you're easy on the eyes, pipe down.

Cheap ass son of a bitches are really lame too. Male and female. If I tell you that I don't wanna go out to dinner tonight because I'm broke as hell, then please don't stiff me when the bill comes. Even if I'm not broke as hell, you still shouldn't stiff me when the bill comes. You're the one who dragged me out of the house in the first place, and all I had was a drink and an appetizer! You know you should be putting down more money than you just did, SO DO IT. You really think nobody's gonna notice that you should have thrown in at least 10 more bucks? Wrong, and now we're never going out to dinner with you again.

Dogs named Buddy, cats named Tiger or Tigger, also totally lame.

Daily walks. It's nice to take an evening stroll, I enjoy it. And I can also see how it would be really exhilarating to occasionally start your morning off with a good cup of coffee and a brisk walk. But why do I always see the same lady or the same couple taking the exact same route, in the exact same place that they did the day before, day in and day out? That's not exciting at all. Can't you break away from the routine every once in a while and change it up a bit, make it a little more interesting maybe? And better yet, why do I have nothing better to do than stare out the window and criticize innocent speed walkers everywhere I go?

Hot as hell subway cars, lame. And really bad for the hair and makeup too. I spend all this time getting ready to go out, and then the "1" train comes truckin' down the line and fucks it all up for me. Now I look like a frizzy haired tranny with pit stains. And who wants to hang out with one of those? I know I don't, and if I wouldn't even wanna hang out with me, I might as well just go home. Can I get some AC, please?

Peeling a potato or a cucumber. I can't stand it. I'll do it, but it takes me forever. And it just isn't right that one should have to stand there, frustrated, flinging vegetable peels everywhere while they try and strip a potato of its dignity, forcing it into the nude. And then, after the misery of simply peeling them is finally over, you're left with a bunch of peels that accidentally got flung on the wall...no good. Beef wellington, on the other hand, I can totally do. And if anyone has a good recipe for stuffed peppers, I'd be into checking it out.

Wood paneling, outdated lame. Yea, the house I grew up in has it too, no worries.

Fat girls who stuff their feet into the wrong pair of heels, grotesquely lame. I'm by no means a skinny little white girl, and I'm all about embracing your curves and loving yourself at every size...but this just doesn't look right. If your feet are overflowing out of your shoes, crying to be released, something's very wrong. I mean, I know which types of shoes look good on my feet and which ones don't. And sometimes I have to put those cute strappy stilettos back up on the shelf because I know I just can't pull it off with my flat Fred Flinstone feet. Why can't you utilize the same good judgment?

Little kids talking shit, to smokers specifically. I wouldn't mention this if it hadn't happened to me more than once, but it has. Three times actually. And once I heard it happen to another god-awful smoker I know too, while we were on the phone. I guess I was a little relieved to hear that I wasn't the only one being ridiculed by youngsters. The last time it happened was a few weeks ago when an 8 year old walked past with an attitude, pointed at me, coughed and said, "Smoking is soOOOOO bad for you!!!" Oh really? So is talking shit to strangers. Maybe one day you'll enter your teenage years and get shot in the fucking knee cap for being disrespectful to people on the street. That would be really bad too, wouldn't it? You'd probably never walk the same. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong smoker. I'd like to thank the Truth ad campaign for turning little children into snotty know it all's.

Flies, fuckin' lame as hell. Mosquitos too.

And last but not least, people who are always blaming their problems on the rest of the world, finding a reason other than the one in the mirror as to why they're not achieving the desired results. It's really easy to take credit for all the great things you have in your life, but I think it's really rare to find a person who understands how to take credit for all the shit that pisses them off about their life too. You are responsible for your whole being, not just the good. Hold yourself accountable for your reality, your unhappiness, your lonliness, your nature, your procrastinating...your whatever. It's not about who's right and who's wrong, or what's right and what's wrong; it's about you and the way you handle adversities big and small. Take it, own it, accept it, question it, and then motherfucking change it. Don't change who you are, change how you respond to life. Your problems are not anyone else's fault, not anyone else's doing, not due to anyone else's actions. Your life sucks because of your own decisions. Your relationships end because of your behavior. Your job blows because you're too comfortable to find a new one. Your boyfriend is an asshole because you chose the wrong one. Your friends left because you let them. You did it. All of it. Whether you're able to admit it or not, your own agenda couldn't adapt to keep itself afloat. You didn't make the proper accomodations and compromises to keep yourself happy. If you're gonna get sad when he doesn't call the next day, then don't get drunk and have sex with that dickhead. If you didn't wanna call that bitch your girlfriend, then don't get pissed when she goes away. Again, you did that. And when you deny that it's all your own doing, you hand over the control without even realizing it. You're allowing someone or something else to dictate how you feel about your own situation. And you don't want that dickhead bitch having the control, do you? When you stop looking for someone to blame for your dissatisfaction you regain that control. And when you are the only one in control of everything in your life, you recognize that no one else is responsible for your greatness but you, and it's by your own doing that you're completely fulfilled. It's freedom. You're now on the other end of the spectrum, and it's fucking awesome, or so I've heard. Are we existing on a higher plane yet or what people?? Awww yea!!

Hey, really though, who the fuck am I to talk? I'm the lamest of my whole crew. ;)

Love Potion #9

Listen! Her name's Adele, and the girl can't hit a wrong note. Pump up the volume, cuz the sound is really soft...




"I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No there's nothing that I wouldn't do,
to make you feel my love."


Am I just a sap, or is that some awesome shit?

If I'm being honest with myself, in the book of my life I've only felt a love that intense once. And just when you think you're in the clear, a random Youtube video comes along, brings it all back, and makes you cry your way into a sneezing fit (5 in a row!).

Now watch this one too. I've seen this band live a whole bunch, and the singer's voice resonates this richness like whoa. I don't know if it comes across in this video, but it's a good acoustic performace regardless. Smoking Popes - "I Know You Love Me."



You ever wanna make that phone call? "..you're a goddamn liar, I know you love me." Yea. Don't do it though, sometimes just because he loves you doesn't mean he'll ever be willing to say it out loud. RESTRAINING ORDER!

Speaking of restraining orders, I've been watching those around me do some crazy shit lately all in the name of love. Some of these things good, some bad, and some just crazy; taking drastic measures to mend broken hearts, making life altering decisions with complete strangers, telling huge lies in hopes of receiving a sympathetic reaction, acting out to get attention, even breaking laws. And like I said, it's not all bad. Sometimes the craziest stories have the happiest endings.

I don't know, just makes you wonder what's real and what's not. What penetrates its way into your heart and sticks forever, and what can be easily brushed off the surface when it's all over? Maybe some love goes so deep that it can live without its lovers until it knows the timing is right to bring them back together. Maybe two people can share a love so big that it continues to breathe and exist on its own even after the two have gone their separate ways. And maybe it always meets them again because it never died, it was just great enough to live on without them, waiting in the wings of eternity.

It's weird how sometimes our lives are a complete rollercoaster, and other times we're just waiting in line to get on the ride. And still other times, we'd rather just sit back and watch everyone else scream.

Taboo

Not that anything I talk about in cyberspace receives much traffic or that I'm important enough to create any sort of buzz, but nonetheless, there are certain things I won't speak of publicly on the internet. They are as follows:

My Mom. I have a weird relationship with my Mom. Don't get me wrong, she's been a great Mom, no doubt. But we don't have the same way of processing things, and she's very sensitive about certain issues. So I guess I fear that sharing my perspective on some of those issues would potentially damage us forever. And so I just won't go there.

My friends. I like to talk about my friends quite freely, because they're all pretty unique and interesting characters who make for good times and good story telling. But I'll rarely use names when I'm looking for specific examples in order to make a point. If you're part of my particular inner circle, you just might be able figure out who's who due to your own observations...but that's your call.

My loves. These are few and far between. I love love, corny as that is. Love is the only thing worth living/dying for, and that in itself just really fascinates the shit out of me. But I also have a pretty good understanding of the fact that, no matter how "right" I think I am in certain situations, there are still two sides to every story. I'm sure my opinion of the things that have taken place in my life is very different from the opinions of the other parties involved. And who's really to say which one of us is right? That's not up to me. This being so, if I've felt deeply for you at one point in my life, I won't ever totally talk shit about you. Some things are always sacred. And nobody really deserves that, even if you were a big asshole. I might mention a thing or two about my feelings for you, but I'm pretty good at keeping things fairly objective. Unless you're one of my girls, that is. In which case, I'm gonna call you up and tell you how it really went down, like, "listen to what the prick did this time!.." wink wink.

So if you fall into one of those categories, you can breathe a small sigh of relief.

Moving along, this next person absolutely did not fall into any of those categories, and I highly doubt he or any of his friends can even read anyway....

I got a text the other night from a number I didn't recognize (his was one I'd deleted to make more room in my phone, and you'll see why in a second). I'm gonna punctuate and abbreviate exactly the same way he did too, so you see what an idiot he is...

"Hey lori"

Like I said, I don't know the number, so I don't respond.

5 minutes later..

"its insert douchebag's name"

But no last name, and a really common first name...so it's still not clicking.

Me - "_____ who?"

"_____ __________. we use ta get wastd and makeott"

Oh you mean, "We used to get wasted and make out." Now I know who you are. It's great to hear that that's how you remember me. It explains why you only took me out on one real date the 2 months we hung out. You couldn't have said something like, "we met at blah blah blah" or "yea, you know, so and so's friend.."?

No no...instead we just used to get drunk and dry hump. Thank you.

So this is the route I took with that one:

Me - "Ooooh yea! And then one night you whispered in my ear that you were a VIRGIN, and that was a little too much for me to handle at my age, so we pretty much stopped hanging out after that."

See, what's your face? I have a sense of humor too! And I still can't figure out why you were trying to get on me all the time if you'd never laid pipe in your life. Did you really think I was "The One" or something? I doubt it.

"ummm ya i guess"

Me - "So what's up?"

"im gona b inthe city n i was wndering if i could slep at ur place sat"

Wait a second. We haven't talked in a YEAR, you text me with some really rude fucking intro like that, and now you wanna know if you could "slep" at my place on Saturday? THAT'S JUST FANTASTIC!

Me - "No, you most definitely cannot."

Lately I'm not as tolerant as I usually am, and I don't know why. If you want to talk to me about some real shit, then welcome. But if you're going to gloss over past fuck-up's and play a fake little game, then no thanks. Come correct, or don't come at all. Better yet, just go home all together. Cuz I'm tired of doing all the work.

3 and counting

A few weeks ago I mentioned here that I set my default ringtone to "Warning" by Notorious BIG..."Who the hell is this, pagin' me at 5:46 in the mornin'?..."

And I said something along the lines of, "Just once I wanna get a call at 5:46 a.m. on the Biggie Smalls dot."...

Well I've gotten 3 now. And I just wanted to say thank you. It's the little things, ya know?

Much love.

Ann & John

Those are my grandparents on my Mom's side. Nana and Papa (Grandpa and Grandma were used on my Dad's side). I really love this picture. Nana was 15 when it was taken, and the back reads "Summer of 1939." They were married that same year.

Ann won beauty pageants in her day, and she really just sparkled with a sassy little sweetness that never went unnoticed (the sass for the rest of the world, the sweet reserved for those she loved). She tried to use the attention she got from other men to get the attention of her own husband, but I've grown up under the impression that it never worked out that way. She used to call each of us "sugarplum," even on her death bed she was calling us sugarplums. And she had stories about the depression; the dresses she wore were ones her Mom had made out of burlap potato sacks, and they'd eat lard sandwiches for lunch. "It's like Crisco," she told me.

John was a scrappy, wiry man who lacked any type of social grace or compassion. I'm not sure if he was born in this awful condition, or if the war really did change him forever. He was sent to the Philippines during WWII, and I only heard him make reference to it once. He said something about waking up next to men with their heads cut off. I can't imagine what that'd do to a person's psyche, but regardless, he was a physically abusive alcoholic (despite what sugar coated bullshit some of his children might tell you..I guess I don't really blame them though).

Although I really don't have many memories indicating so, I was Papa's favorite granchild (I'll never hear the end of it from my cousin Jen). I guess the fact that he even paid attention to me at all meant that he loved me, and maybe I was just supposed to know that as a kid. But I didn't, and as I grew older I felt nothing but resentment towards him. He hurt a lot of people in ways that he didn't even know. And I guess since he really didn't know, it was hard for some people to hold it against him. But for whatever "cold-hearted" reason, it wasn't hard for me to hold it against him at all...

I can remember us planting cucumbers in the back yard together, but I can also remember him calling me a "fat ass kid" every time I wanted a juicebox or a popsicle. And I can remember him letting me color the driveway pink with chalk, but making me come inside the house when the "chocolate drops" across the street wanted to come color with me. After I turned 18, the first thing out of his mouth every time he saw me was, "What the hell is wrong with you, ya old maid?! Go make some babies of your own!" Or "What the hell are you wasting your parents money for going to college?! Can't ya just find a husband already??" He was telling me this when I was 19 years old. And he was totally serious.

As a couple, Ann and John would live to see 6 children, 15 grandchildren, and 13 great grandchildren. They would be married for over 55 years. Bravo, kids. Bra-vo.

Nana would throw little fits from time to time and try to put Papa in his place, not speaking to him for days at a time, even leaving him on occasion. But in the end he never changed, and in the end she always came back. And she would continue to come back until the day she died. My head can't quite figure out why, but my heart knows the answer...

"Love is patient, love is kind...Love is not forward or self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 3:4-7

I understand all that, and I've now felt for myself a love so strong it's blind to wrongdoing. But what I don't understand is why she was constantly defending him. She always had a reason, she always had an excuse, and she could always justify what he was. And there's definitely something really noble in that, but come on, everyone KNEW what an asshole he was. We didn't need her to explain it to us, we just knew he was mean. So who did she think she was kidding? None of us were oblivious to the fact that she was married to Archie Bunker, but I think maybe she was.

Maybe if she'd stepped aside and let someone rip him a new asshole once or twice, he wouldn't have gotten as belligerent as he always did. Maybe he would have questioned his antics on occasion if she'd tucked away a little of the love and respect she had for him and saved some of it for herself. Maybe he would have examined his non-existent relationships with people if she'd let him deal with the consequences of his behavior for once.

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Or maybe things would have been better if he'd treated her as a friend before he acted as her keeper. Maybe he would have held himself more accountable for his actions if he'd taken on his wife first as a friend, and then as a cook. Maybe he would have learned to accept responsibility for his harmful words if he'd looked for the respect and advice of his friend before he looked for someone to batter. And maybe he wouldn't have been hitting on a waitress all the time if he'd just taken a moment to glance across the table at his beautiful best friend, his biggest fan, his most devoted companion.

When Nana died, I wondered if Papa would have some regrets. He'd treated unfairly the one who'd loved him most, and I wondered if he'd ever see it. He was a lonely old man who'd made one real friend throughout his entire life, and now she was gone. I witnessed it humble him somehow, very slightly, but nontheless. It turns out that there was a heart in there after all, and I think his last few years were miserable without his better half. I think he realized how much she contributed to his happiness, and how much pride she sacrificed to love him.

My Grandparents are both gone now, so I guess the semantics of their relationship are really of no significance at this point. The only conclusion I can come to is that, wherever they are, Ann and John are there together. Because some bonds are everlasting. And that's deeper than any semantics.

Electric Youth

I think I was in 3rd grade the year Debbie Gibson came out with her own fragrance collection...

Electric Youth. And I was in love. I was even in love with that hot pink coil that shot down the middle of the bottle.

These days I've acquired a more sophisticated palate for scent, and the signature spice of my bouquet is no longer found on the shelves of a CVS or a Walgreen's. But there's nothing like that first spritz of light sugary sweetness that makes a 9 year old want to spray it all over her pillow at night...that way I could even smell it in my naive pixie dust filled dreams of Kirk Cameron.

Designer fragrance and I will probably continue our torrid love affair until I'm an old woman...but this is where it all began. Thanks, Debbie. I wish I still got off for $9.99.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I was at work the moment you were taken from this earth. Ironically enough, I was employed at a record store the day my music died. I got a page over the PA, and when I got downstairs Uncle Lonnie was standing at the register. It was weird, and when I said hello and asked him what he was doing there, he just said, "You've gotta come home now." That same week, we'd visited Nana in the hospital, so I thought God had taken her instead. But as we were walking through the parking lot, he didn't say a word. I started to feel like maybe something else was going on, and so I asked him, "Hey, is my Mom alright?"

"Yea, your Mom's alright."

My next instinct was to ask if you were ok too. And I can only imagine what was going through Uncle Lonnie's head..."...please don't say it, please don't ask about your Dad...."

I thought it, I really did. I thought, "Is my Dad ok?" But I didn't say it out loud, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe you were telling me not to. Maybe you were telling me not to ask him. You always were the only one who could keep me from opening my damn mouth.

We pulled up in front of our house and there were all these cars on the street. This is where everything becomes surreal. I saw a million cars parked outside, and I kept scanning the block for your truck, but it wasn't there. As soon as I didn't see it, I knew something was wrong. But in my fairytale world, I thought I'd walk through the front door and see you standing there. And you'd have a really good explanation as to why the whole family was over, and why your car wasn't parked outside like everyone else's.

But you weren't there, you weren't there ever again. And all the cars outside were there mourning our loss. I don't know about everyone else who was there that night, but I still mourn that loss. Most days. And even in my sleep. I find myself happy, but it's hard not to think about you.

I hurried inside and left Uncle Lonnie. The first person I saw was Rose. She looked at me, she looked down at the floor, and she cried. Everyone was just staring at me as I walked through the living room. And when I met Mom in the kitchen, she couldn't look at me either. There were a hundred faces there, but no one was saying a word, everyone was just crying. I looked at Mom and I said, "What?? What is it?!?..."

And that's when life changed forever.

"Lor, Dad was killed in an accident at work today..."

I heard her, but I didn't hear her. It was like I was a little kid again and my brain couldn't comprehend what she was telling me. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of a world without you. My soul couldn't keep me from falling, and I collapsed. Everything went numb and I fell to my knees. I remember someone lifting me up off the floor, but part of me is still lying there in the kitchen, waiting for you to get home from work. I'm sorry that I wasn't around more in those last few months. I'm sorry that I was out getting wasted with my friends while you were at home being a good Dad.

I'm so

so

sorry.

I'm ashamed, and I'm sorry. Maybe I wouldn't miss you so much if I'd acted like the daughter you deserved.

I don't remember what happened over the next few hours, I don't even remember the next year or so, to tell you the truth. But a few days later, someone had to go to the Cook County coroner's office to pick up the belongings that were in your pockets the day Heaven called you Home. I was elected. They warned me that sometimes "in situations like this" your belongings might be a little messy. And I imagined what a morbid scenario I could have been walking into. But I wouldn't have cared if your wallet was stained with what just couldn't be your blood, Dad. I wouldn't have cared if the stick of Carmex you kept in your pocket somehow indicated how much pain you felt in the split second that would steal you away. I wanted to do it anyway. I knew that I could. So I stepped from the waiting room into the medical examiner's office, I looked at the man through the glass, and I didn't know what to say.

"Name?" he asked.

I didn't know if he meant my name or yours. So I gave him our name, I gave him the last name that you'd given me. And I felt proud. I spelled it for him, slowly, with no tears, and with as much dignity as you would have. Did you see me that day? Were you there? Are you here right now, Dad? I miss you. I miss you so much. And I know that people say I'm supposed to feel better as time goes by, but it never goes away. I still always miss you, no matter how old I get.

Remember how whenever a long funeral procession would drive past, you'd never get pissed at how long you had to wait for them all? And instead you'd just smile and say, "Man, a lotta people must have loved that guy." That was your funeral, Dad! There were so many cars, you stopped traffic for a good half hour! And all day there was a line waiting at your closed casket, I didn't even know half the people there. It was just like you said, a whole lot of people loved you.

I used to have these dreams that you'd sneak over to the house to visit us again. And you'd tell us not to be so sad, that you just had to go away for a while, and that you'd come back when you could. Sometimes it was something weird, like you were abducted by aliens or something. And other times it was because you were on secret missions or the mafia had kidnapped you, or something like that. But then one time, I dreamt that I was at the grocery store, over by the pharmacy, and you came peeking around the corner. You looked at me and smiled, and all of the sudden you were standing right there next to the Tylenol. And I was so shocked to see you, it was like I knew you weren't supposed to be there. And I didn't want you to leave again, I wanted to stay there in the grocery store with you for as long as I could, and I got all frantic trying to think of ways to keep you there.

"Dad, what are you doing here??"

But you didn't say anything, you just reached out and held my hand. It was the very hand that I'd held as a little girl, and it felt exactly the same. It was so real, Dad! It was like it wasn't a dream at all. It was your hand, and I was holding it, and it felt exactly the same. It was like you were really there, and I could remember your hands just as they were. I remembered exactly what it felt like in mine, crossing the street, walking across the church parking lot, at the pumpkin patch on Halloween...it was that very same hand.

Sometimes I think our dreams are your way of paying us a visit. Is it against the rules for you to pay us a visit like that? I think it might be, but I think you might do it anyway.

A few months ago one of your friends emailed me. Mom gave him my email address. It was weird though, weird in a cool way, but it was almost like he was looking to me for a little piece of you. I hope I helped him find that little piece of reflection, but I don't know. He told me stories about the band, and I guess he was one of the guys who smoked cigars with you the night I was born. When I emailed him back, I tried to say everything just right because I didn't want to make you look bad. But I didn't really know what to say, and I didn't know what you'd want me to say. So I just tried to show him that I'm intelligent, that I'm loyal, that I'm competent, and that I'm respectable (I didn't swear once). Not for my sake, but for yours. I wanted to show him what a good job you did, I hope I did alright.

Mark still has the mini bikes and go carts that you guys used to ride. AND he just finished rebuilding your truck. He rebuilt the whole thing all by himself. We all gathered in the garage when he started it up for the first time, and you should have heard it, Dad! He put this hot rod engine in there, and it sounds awesome. I'm pretty sure you'd love it. And Leah is engaged! Her fiance's name is Phil, and I'm pretty sure you'd love him too. He takes care of her. I think she's having Grampa walk her down the aisle, and I hope you get a little glimpse of the whole thing from Upstairs. Carissa is in school and wants to be an English teacher. The first tattoo she got was one in memory of you. She's turned out more like Mom than any of the rest of us, and she has a boyfriend who drives her around in this old white limo. It's a little rusty, but it's a real limo that he drives around town, and for some reason I think you'd kinda dig it.

I'm 27 now. I don't use drugs, and I haven't even smoked pot since I was 19. I do like to drink expensive vodka, but I'm definitely not an alcoholic. And I don't smoke in front of Mom, the same way you didn't. I know you were scared to fly, but I was a flight attendant for 2 years and there's really nothing to be afraid of. I'm going back to school full time in the fall, and I don't have any babies yet, but someday I'd like some. 2 or 3 boys maybe, and one girl named Annelise Isabella. Annelise is Danish, Isabella, Italian. And I know I'm neither, but you know how I do. I want her to be the youngest so she has big brothers to keep an eye on her.

I wish I knew what you'd think of me if you were sitting here right now. I don't know if I'm different or the same, I don't know if you'd approve of my decisions, I don't know if I've changed because you're not here, and I don't know if you'd be proud of who I am or disappointed in what I've become. I don't even know if you know that I'm 27. I'm always thinking about you though, the other day I downloaded some Peter Frampton and thought of you. I'm always trying to figure out what you'd tell me if you were here, what advice you'd give, or even just what you'd say about the weather or the war. I wonder if you'd like my friends, I wonder if you'd encourage me to stay in New York or tell me to go back to Chicago, I wonder if you'd still like orange juice so much or if you'd ever call my cell phone...and I wonder if you wish you were still here the same way we do. Most of the time, I just wish I could talk to you. Sometimes I forget how long it's been since you've been gone; sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like an eternity. I guess all I'd like you to know is that I take everything you taught me and I carry it with me every day. We all do. I apply the character you instilled in me to everything I do, and when someone says they like me, it really just means they like you.

So thanks. Thanks for being a good man. Thanks for being an even better Father. Thanks for sharing with me the power of music and guiding my fingers over the strings of a guitar. Thanks for educating us by virtue of integrity and respect. Thanks for teaching every kid on the block how to ride a bike when their own Dad's were too busy. Thanks for showing us that money is nothing and happiness is everything. Thanks for leaving us all with the best memories a childhood could ask for. We love you. We miss you. See you soon.



Lori



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Just an aside here - My Dad was awesome and he was around until I was 20. Therefore, I've never considered myself one of those chicks with a "Daddy complex," and I really have no problem talking objectively about my Dad at all. What I do seem to have a problem with is discussing my feelings about the whole thing, so it was cool to do this. I wrote it quite a while ago, but felt weird about posting it anywhere...but then I figured fuck it, there are a lot of people in my life who don't know much about my past and might be interested in reading a little something like this. So I did a little editing to make it current, and voila. ;)