Trapper Keeper

"An elephant never forgets."

I don't know where that phrase comes from, I looked it up and I didn't find too much. But whatever its origins, it seems to describe my memory to a T. And shortly after it was brought to my attention that I remember just about everything under the sun, my memory started being referred to as the "Trapper Keeper." Remember those? 4th Grade is the motherfucking place to be.

Aside from the obvious Birthday's and things like that, here are some examples of bits and pieces that might get filed in the Trapper Keeper -

If you like white clam chowder, but hate the red, I'll remember. And I'll even remember where we were when you told me about this dislike for red clam chowder.

If you like Polish sausage, the Trapper Keeper will contain information as to what you like on it. Mustard, relish, onions, on French bread. Or no relish, just onions, on a bun. And if you don't like Polish sausage at all, the Trapper Keeper will say, "No, Lori..HOTDOGS."

If you tell me that the house you grew up in had a huge yard, the Trapper Keeper will mention it when we pass by a similar yard of the same caliber.

If SWV was playing the first time you had sex in 1994, my folder/notebook combo will bring it to my attention the next time I hear one of their 2 hits. It will say to me, "Mary Kleinenburg's basement couch. 1994," in a Rainman kind of voice.

The Trapper Keeper knows what your first car was.

If your Dad had a heart attack while shoveling snow one year, the sentiment of this fact will get put into the Trapper Keeper's vault and I'll probably never ask you to shovel snow. I'll want to ask you to, but the Trapper Keeper won't allow it.

If you hate the color green, I'll know, and I'll remember why you hate it...like because your Mom painted your room that color when you were little, and as you got older nothing matched with it or something.

If you think that the color orange washes you out, I'll get out the trusty old Trapper Keeper if I'm ever shirt shopping for you.

If I happen to come over on a Tuesday and you're doing laundry, I'll make a Trapper Keeper note that Tuesday's laundry day.

If we get in a cab one day and you forget your phone on the seat, from then on, the Trapper Keeper will check that there is no phone on the seat when we get out of a cab together.

I'll remember your cell phone provider because of that one time you were so pissed about sitting on hold for an hour with Verizon.

If your coffee pot broke, it's because of the Trapper Keeper that I will bring you a cup of coffee when I come over later today. If your Birthday rolls around and you still haven't replaced the Bunn Drip-o-matic, PA-DOW with the Trapper Keeper! New coffee pot.

This absorption of useless information is not a conscious effort by any means. I'm pretty sure it stems from the simple fact that I like to listen and watch people. I like to observe, even if the only purpose of my observation is to form a negative opinion of you (sorry, I'm workin' on that). I just can't seem to not pay attention to people and their ways. And this little "talent" is not at all selective, meaning that even if I don't really care about you, even when I'm pretty indifferent in terms of your general well-being, I'll still soak up every detail you choose to divulge. And sometimes it comes in handy, but other times it just makes me look like a compulsive psycho.

It comes in handy when I'm buying gifts. For real, I buy awesome gifts. Not necessarily because they're expensive or high end. But because, like I said, the Trapper Keeper knows you, man! It knows what you need, knows what you want, knows what you hate. Don't fight it, remember the coffee pot?!

Or let's say I'm lost in a neighborhood I'm unfamiliar with. The Trapper Keeper will guide me with something like this, "Ok, last time you were here some girl asked you for a lighter on this corner. And she had on this dope jacket; navy, gold buttons up the side, falling just above the knee, cute belt. And after you lit her cigarette you know cute jacket girl went straight for a few blocks, and you know that you went straight for a few blocks too because if you hadn't followed her you wouldn't have seen that the cute jacket even had an awesome slit up the back." And now I remember which direction to travel. Thanks, Trapper Keeper!

It makes me look like a compulsive psycho when I'm coming over to your house, you offer me directions, and I say, "No, I remember where you live." Even though I've only been over to your place once, and it was probably close to a year ago, and you might not even remember that I was at your Birthday party in the first place. Damn you, Trapper Keeper! Why must you keep a record of every house you visit? I know you didn't do it on purpose, but now I might look crazy. And I didn't think of it before I spoke, but technically that person never gave me their address; I just remembered it from last time, AND NOW I LOOK LIKE A STALKER. Trapper Keeper, you're a real asshole sometimes, ya know? Perhaps this time you've gone too far.

Or let's pretend your girlfriend and I have a conversation about what to get you for Christmas, and I tell her that just the other day you said you wanted a subscription to "Pro Football Weekly." And then instead she signs you up to receive "Football Digest." Trapper Keeper will take note of the oversight and hold it against her, forever thinking of her as "the girl who didn't care enough to get it right." I don't want to think badly of your girlfriend. What if you marry her? Just forget about it, Trapper..it's the thought that counts. Sometimes I have to fight the Keeper.

So you see, this office supply of a memory device has a mind all its own. Please don't hold it against me. I swear, I'm not a stalker and I think your girlfriend's really great.

And at the same time, if my memory is somehow working in your favor, you probably shouldn't take that too personally either. I might not even like you all that much, it is just the nature of this thoughtful Trapper Keeper beast. (Just kidding, I love you)