Here are some things that you, as a man, should and shouldn't do for/to me, and some things that I, as a woman, will and won't do for/to you in return...
You should never talk shit about my family. Leave that to me, I'll do enough of it for the both of us. I'll follow this rule as well, of course.
When we go out, you should know what I drink. And you should order it for me. And I shouldn't have to say a word. And then you should keep them coming until I tell you I've had enough. In return, I will make absolutely sure that there is at least a 6 pack of your favorite beer in the refrigerator at all times.
You should be supportive of my keen fashion sense. Seriously. I'm sure a little of what brought me to your attention in the first place was my wicked personal style, so don't make fun of me when I read Vogue or watch coverage of fashion week on public access. So what if I have too many accessories, don't make me feel stupid for being awesome. Your recompense: I will never do "typical girl" shit, like ask you a million questions as soon as you walk in the door, complain when it takes you 45 minutes to take a shit, or point out the fact that I'd rather be watching something other than football/baseball/basketball/hockey. I'm good at being quiet.
Say thank you when I do nice things for you. Don't kiss my ass like a little bitch, just man up and say thank you. For this, I will continue to think of thoughtful little ways to make you feel special. I'm really good at that.
You should be nice to my friends. Some of them might be snotty. Some of them might not be so bright. Some of them might have fucked your brother. Whatever the case, they're my friends, and since I love them, I expect you to act like a nice guy unless you have a really good reason not to. In exchange for this, I won't file sexual harassment charges against your raunchy best friend when he gets drunk and smacks my ass at a Christmas party in front of all your co-workers.You will never ever tell me I'm fat or fatter than I used to be. If you need to lie, then do it. I'll know you're lying, and I'll be so grateful that you don't wanna risk hurting my feelings. If I've gained a few, you should say the following, "No, I hadn't noticed. But you were way too skinny to begin with. I love you." That's it. On the other hand, if I'm shopping and those jeans really do make my ass look big, you should tell me not to waste my money. To repay you for this confusion, I will still have sex with you when your penis is playing hide and seek with your old man beer gut. I'll probably even think it's kinda cute.
You should buy me things sometimes. Not big things, just little ones. Like a coffee on your way to my house, or my favorite kind of gum at the gas station. If you don't remember things like my favorite kind of gum, that's ok, I won't hold it against you. Just pick one. In return, I'll put all your favorite songs on my ipod. So then if you ever forget yours, we can share and you'll still have something to listen to.
You shouldn't get pissed if I take too long to get ready. After all, your friends wouldn't think I'm this cute if I looked like I just rolled out of bed. Just wait it out, and tomorrow I'll clean all your pee off the rim of the toilet. I bet I'll even smile while I'm doing it. I'll smile just thinking about you, standing there peeing on that very spot. For real.
Don't ever let me walk home alone late at night or get in my car if I'm drunk. I usually don't do either of those things, but if I attempt to, just don't let me. If you care about me, you should be thinking of my safety, so step in and take control of the situation or get off your lazy ass and walk me to the train. As a token of my appreciation, I'll scratch your head while we watch movies on the couch. And then I'll cook you beef stew, or something else you like to eat.
Don't dry hump me, grab my boobs, or lift up my skirt in public or in front of your friends. You are not Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, or the Dad in Family Guy. This is real life and not only is this behavior completely unacceptable, but it's abnormal and it makes me look bad. And since we're a team, when I look bad you look bad. Make sense? To compensate your restraint in this area, you can play with my boobs and hump me all you want when we get home. Not only will I let you, but I will like it.
Open the damn door for me. All the time, and even when we're old. Of course I can do it myself, but I shouldn't have to. Act right and I will take care of your babies for the rest of our lives, even the ones that aren't mine. Cuz that's just how I do.
Do not cheat on me. If your penis does happen to spontaneously fall upon another woman, do not try to win back my affection with expensive gifts. It will make me feel like a cheap piece of property, which I most certainly am not. And to tell you the truth, I don't even really like fancy shit..so save your loot. In exchange for this kind gesture, I will have your back to the fullest effect until the end of time.
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